5. Theon Greyjoy
Notice the name. Not Reek, Theon. We got our first glimpse of Theon Greyjoy since Season 3 and it was a welcomed sight. This shows that there is someone in there. Reek is not 100% in control and there is a chance that Theon makes a redemption arc. Redemption, however, is very different form revenge. I don’t think Theon will personally get revenge against Ramsay, I think that’s Sansa’s job. Maybe Theon will let Brienne or Stannis’s Army into Winterfell, somehow playing a part in the downfall of Ramsay/saving of Sansa. He could very possibly die in the process, as well.
4. Jon Snow
Jon Snow is the clutchest motherfucker to ever live. No matter how close he comes to dying, he somehow manages to pull out a win. (Probably because he’s Jesus and literally can’t die.) Yes, the episode ended with him staring at The Army of The Dead led by an 8,000 year old immortal being made of ice that he has little to no shot defeating. However, he also is the second person in 8,000 years to kill a White Walker, so can we just chalk that up as a win please? Now that Robb and Oberyn are dead, Jon has the best dips in the game. He dodges everything. He’s like Floyd Mayweather with sexy hair. I don’t see how anyone in the Night’s Watch can be opposed to letting the Wildlings in now, but disagreement at the wall is the least of Jon’s worries. Winter is coming. Also, keep an eye on the the Red Witch (Melisandre) in Jon’s storyline. Not sure what, but there is definitely something going on there.
3. Tyrion Lannister
Let’s go, Tyrion. The only thing he doesn’t have going for him is that Danaerys seems to only want him to have a steady buzz instead of being constantly hammered. If he can handle that, I expect advising Danaerys will not be easy as cake. With these two together, hopefully Danaerys will get to Westeros during Season 6, maybe even making the departure at the end of this Season. Tyrion’s the smartest person in the game, in my opinion, and he’s about to prove it.
2. The White Walkers
Does this need any explanation? Talk about a massacre. Let’s not even concentrate on the White Walkers themselves for a moment, and just talk about possible ways to defeat the Army of the Dead. (PSA: Humans/animals/giants/whatever cannot become White Walkers. They become wights/zombies/undead/whatever the fuck you wanna call them. The White Walkers are a separate race, just like humans, giants, and Children of the Forest.) Dragon fire would be the best way to take out all the wights. Wildfire could also be an option, but the only known jars of it are in Kingslanding. The Red Witch could have some type of fire magic that could put up a fight. (Who ordered the Roast Shireen?) Finally, if the Night’s King (White Walker Bossman) is killed do all the wights die? We have only seen him raise the dead so maybe that is only a power that he possesses. Realistically, they need to have some weakness because a total massacre does not make for a good ending of a seven season TV show. Keep an eye on these possiblities and maybe we’ll discover a few new ones as well.
1. The Viewers
Okay, okay, this is corny as shit, but I couldn’t resist. That was the best episode of Game of Thrones ever. That’s just my opinion but many people seem to agree with me and it is the highest rated episode on IMDB with a 9.9 (pretty fucking solid.) The worst part of the episode was Sansa and Reek’s conversation and that would have been the best scene in a number of episodes this season. We saw Arya start to become an assassin, Theon told Sansa her brothers aren’t dead, we saw Cersei lick water off the ground, and we saw Jon Snow put the team on his fucking back for possibly the coolest half hour of television I’ve ever seen. I don’t know about you, but this week I definitely feel like a winner.
5. Jorah Mormont
Surprise, surprise. Jorah has found himself on the Loser’s list once again. Tyrion totally could have had Jorah killed if he wanted to, but luckily Tyrion is kind, as well as smart, and only got Jorah exiled. By the way, this is the third time in his life Jorah’s been exiled. Like really, dude? Get your shit together at some point. At first I was thinking Jorah’s greyscale had two story options; it would either kill him or he would give it to someone else. Why else would they include it? I’ll tell you why. Since he knows he is going to die no matter what he does, he is about to throw caution to the wind. Jorah has nothing else to save his energy for. He’s about to leave everything out on the field and I’m super pumped to see what he does.
4. The Thin Man
Dead as a doornail. Now we don’t really know why this guy deserves to die, but apparently he does, and I’m not one to complain. I’m trying to see Arya assassinate some people and I don’t care who they are at this point. Best case scenario, she kills him with Needle and we know that she is still Arya Stark inside. Worst case scenario, she kills him in some other badass way and we’re all super pumped.
3. Cersei Lannister
God did that feel good. Cersei licking water off the ground? Oh my god I never thought I would see something so glorious. That was the best thing we’ve seen in Game of Thrones since Danaerys stopped showing her butt. What is her plan? Just not confess? I don’t see how that would work. Subtle note: when Qyburn left he said “the work continues.” I’m assuming that means his work on The unMountain. What could be happening there? Hopefully we’ll find out this season but I could also see them leaving that until next season.
2. The Walking Dead
It’s officially time for them to hang up the cleats. Granted, last season was the best season in a while, but this show should have ended at Season 3 and Game of Thrones just performed a hostile takeover of the zombie genre. The last 10 minutes of this episode was scarier than anything the Walking Dead has ever done. When the wights were just running off the cliff like undead lemmings I almost peed my pants. You had a good run, Walking Dead. Step aside and let the big boys play.
1. The Entire Realm
Yup, everyone is pretty much fucked. I already discussed the possible defenses against the Army of the Dead and that’s before we even consider the White Walkers. This past episode put into perspective for the viewers how trivial the rest of the problems across the Realm are. Who gives a shit where Myrcella Lannister is living when an army of zombies are being led by seven foot race of people who can only be killed by Valaryian Steel and Dragonglass, which practically no body has. We’ve known this is the real battle since the Series premier but it is finally on the doorstep. By the end of this season, I think Winter will be here.
Extra Shoutout: Karsi the Wildling
I gotta give a shoutout to that badass Wildling chick that everyone fell in love with for a total of 20 minutes. She signed her death wish as soon she put her kids on that boat. “I’ll be right behind you. I promise.” Ya, as a fucking zombie. Your screen time was so short, but you’ll live on forever in our hearts.