4. Samwell Tarly
Sam did get his ass beat like a goddamn drum in this past episode, but if anyone loses their virginity they automatically become a winner. Everyone knows the Tarly’s pack heat so I think it’s safe to assume Gilly is a winner as well. This should just add to Sam’s swag that he’s been slowly building and I expect him to walk with a limp next episode. Back to Sam getting his ass kicked, that was almost hard to watch. I thought he was a goner for sure. With Jon gone and Aemon dead, Sam is going to have a rough end to the season. One of Maester Aemon’s last coherent sentences was telling Sam and Gilly to get her baby (Little Sam) south of the Wall before it’s too late, so don’t be surprised if Sam starts planning an escape in the next few episodes. While Sam is a true brother of the Night’s Watch and would hate breaking his oath, I think Gilly’s safety is the one thing that could make him go.
3. Littlefinger/Olenna Tyrell
Ladies and gentlemen, the Bomb Squad is back together. The last time these two teamed up they murdered the fucking king (that little shit.) Olenna has had a rough few episodes, with both of her grandchildren being imprisoned by lunatics, but if there’s two people who will make this situation work for them it’s these two. They already got Cersei imprisoned and that took, what, half an episode? If they stay scheming together for the rest of the season I fully expect the Tyrells to make it out of this unscathed. Are they going to bring down the Sparrows? Or simply learn to use them to their advantage? Littlefinger did own a bunch of brothels that they destoryed, but he might not even care about that anymore now that he has moved on to bigger and better things. I love watching these two work and expect some hardcore snaking to be done.
Bronn didn’t die! Woo! I totally thought he was going to die two episodes ago when I saw him get cut and I absolutely thought he was dying this past episode. In fact, I started to get woozy too when Tyene Sand started losing clothing. That girl is straight smoking. What’s better? Him not dying or the fact that he got to see that piece of art going full frontal? Her and Bronn seemed to have a little chemistry so they could possibly have a thing in the future. If he gets her to show some skin again, I think we can agree that we’re all winners.
1. Tyrion Lannister
Let’s go Tyrion! He’s about the make the biggest comeback since Ben Affleck decided to be good at movies again. (Yes, the guy from Daredevil and Gigli actually wrote and directed Argo. It’s mind blowing.) Daario’s advice is literally always (as in 100% of the time he has given advice) to just murder everybody. That’s probably the reason he’s a badass sellsword and not a politician. Danaerys has been facing tough decisions all season long, and all season long she’s been fucking them up. She needs Tyrion more than she knows and I expect him to make his value known as quickly as he can. He is in a life or death situation, but if he plays his cards right he could find himself as Hand of the Queen.
4. The Night’s Watch
I was going to make the loser Maester Aemon but I didn’t really feel like he lost anything (besides his life.) He died of old age peacefully in his own bed. That was (not) surprisingly the first natural death we have seen in all 5 Seasons of the show! Kinda crazy. Who really ends up losing from his death, however, is the Night’s Watch. He has been the Maester for countless decades, advising Lord Commander after Lord Commander. He has provided both knowledge and a moral compass for the Night’s Watch for as long as we’ve seen him and, I’m sure, long before that as well. The Night’s Watch are facing some very difficult decisions in the near future and, without Maester Aemon, there is no telling what they might do.
3. Jorah Mormont
Poor, poor J-Bear. I love the guy to death but he really can’t take a hint, can he? Danaerys doesn’t like you, bro. She wants to cut your head off. Stop trying to force things and just move on. But, I guess his stubborn determination is one of the reasons people love him. And did you see his face when he realized Danaerys was there? He’s so adorable. He’s a slowly dying, stupid, adorable big teddy bear. I think Danaerys is going to ask Tyrion’s advice on what to do with Jorah and I don’t think Tyrion will say to kill him. Maybe she’ll send him off on some mission to prove his loyalty? But maybe Tyrion will see the purpose of keeping her word and will tell Danaerys to kill him? Who knows. Either way, the guy’s got greyscale so his days are slowly dwindling.
2. Sansa Stark
Jesus (Jon Snow) man, can’t Sansa catch a break? Like just once? Reek had every opportunity to redeem himself and he didn’t. On the other hand, he might truly believe the best way to keep Sansa safe is to keep her from trying to escape. Remember, when Yara Greyjoy came to rescue him, he thought it was a test set up by Ramsay. Is he completely lost? He might be. I’m hoping he somehow turns back into Theon and helps Sansa out, but now I’m way less confident that will happen. Is the candle in the window thing done? I was really hoping to see Brienne storm in and fuck shit up. Still, she did pick up that ambiguous pointy object when she was outside which means she’s gunna stab Ramsay and/or Reek and/or Myranda in their respected domes and/or necks. The North remembers.
1. Cersei Lannister
“You think you hot shit, bitch? Cause you ain’t” – The High Sparrow. Cersei finally got what’s been coming to her all season. She opened up Pandora’s box when she armed the Sparrows and Pandora don’t go back in the box, it only comes out. So now we have the Queen Mother, the Queen, and the Queen’s brother all imprisoned by the High Sparrow and the King isn’t gunna do shit cause he’s a little bitch. Will they be found guilty? If they do what will their punishments be? If there’s a trial by combat who would fight for the Faith? Will Goku make it back in time to save the others? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z!